I will get straight to the problem, which is that I do not see a point in continuing physical existence any longer.  I have been fighting this position since 1986 when I discovered that in spite of my best efforts there was nothing that I could do to really change things.  I can honestly say that every attempt I have made to help people, to improve the conditions of my life, and the lives of others has, at best resulted in momentary happiness and at worse massive amounts of pain.  Trying to help others is something I have done all my life and I cannot stop doing it, because I feel the rightness of it as deep inside me as I can go.  I need to know if all this effort was really worth it, because since 1986 I have been having serious doubts.

        It seems as if physical existence is like running on a treadmill with a blindfold on.  When you're young and have a blindfold on, you have no idea you're running on a treadmill.  But then you get a little older and you find you can take the blindfold off a little.  When you take the blindfold off completely the first thing that you can see is that you're running.  Only later when you become more oriented do you discover that you seem to be going nowhere.  After further observation you determine that not only are you going nowhere, you're running on the same thing over and over and over again.  And when you get even older, you find you can step outside yourself and see what's really going on.  And from that moment forward the futility of existence is no longer a conceptual idea, its in-your-face and apparently it doesn't go away.  I've tried!  I'm having tremendous difficulty coping with this because it has corroded every aspect of my life to the point I can no longer take care of myself in this society because it is futile to do so and this wasn't a place I wanted to go to. 

To Master Chief Fisch,
How can you stand to live with yourself after what you did to us?  You and Chief Fuller are the most evil men I have ever met in 50 years of life.

To the Lieutenant at the 2nd Group Inspection,
How do you feel knowing that it has been revealed to the world that you are responsible for the Coast Guard not being able to retain hard working, well trained, highly qualified people?  Does it come as a surprise to you or did you know it all along?

To Chief Fuller,
You came a hairs width from giving an innocent young woman a permanent disability and caused her tremendous suffering.

To All Three Of You,
I bet you didn't count on this book or the power of the internet when you were plotting your evil deeds!  All the time working in secret to break down and demoralize the only people you had, who were out there getting the job done.  Your own people!  You betrayed us ALL! 

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